I often see memes or people stating in posts, “just work quietly and only show your finished work don’t let everyone know your business or what you’re doing.” Or something more hip than that. I’ve also run across the adage, “never let anyone know your next move.”
I don’t do that. If I have no intention of doing something, I won’t say it. If I do, I will. 99% of the time, I mean what I say. Eventually. I’m a process person by nature (or at least I think I am).
The likelihood that something I do can be replicated and executed exactly like I did by someone else who wishes to copy me, may be minimal. Their results will vary based on a number of factors. Plus copying 1) doesn’t necessarily serve that person because they’re copying (what’s their original idea?) But 2) maybe someone needs to graft their courage onto something I’ve done that seems to have worked but they were too afraid without a little inspiration?
Plus, I like to help. I’m co-dependent that way. If I’ve found a way to do something and I see someone struggling. My initial instinct is to help. That’s my mom’s side. But then I also realize I like to figure sh!t out on my own so I sit on my hands and zip my lip as well as I’m able to stand it.
Granted I admit I am a terribly jealous person, too. But in admitting so, it takes away a great deal of its power. Mostly I find happiness in other people’s accomplishments and being in a place of love for them being able to achieve a goal is part of getting us all to the same place. If we can cultivate a world of love instead of negativity then all the better for myself and my kid and all the other kiddos, et al.
And yes, I do want you to know my business. I’m not generally a secretive person. If you meet me in person, I will unload my whole life story and my healing process to you within frantic minute. If you’re gonna think I’m crazy, then might as well start from the get-go and not find out a day later and wonder what happened to me. If you’re not gonna like me, I too, would rather you find that out right away than, ahem, waste MY time pretending you do. Again, it’s that helpful side. I do appreciate a thank you. It does go noticed when it doesn’t happen, and I won’t be helping them ever again!
So what’s the point of this late night ramble? I finished a journal yesterday (June 25, 2019) that I started October 1, 2018. And I think it’s probably the first journal that I’ve started that I’m proud of finishing. So many journals before were filled with sadness and pain and one in particular was filled with lies of how happy I was. But this one. This one was of growth and struggle and challenge and change and transformation. And early this morning, I cracked open a brand new journal, June 26, 2019, and already wrote an incredibly vague and general, yet probably the most ambitious 5 year plan ever.
I started writing down my intentions, with intention, a few years ago when I found a loose piece of notebook paper folded away in my collection of important papers I have trucked around with me from New Mexico, to New York City, to Massachusetts, and back again. This paper outlined what I thought I could do — at some point in my life hopefully — that I may never get to do. At the time I was so depressed, getting out of bed was ambitious (sometimes, some days, it still is). I hadn’t finished my bachelors, I was away from my family, I was not getting enough money, and I wasn’t too happy with my relationship.
When I finally moved back to New Mexico to work for the Navajo Nation, I found the paper tucked away in my receipts folder and I was absolutely floored, even though I was actually sitting on the floor already. Nearly every single item on that list had been accomplished at least in some form or another. I hadn’t lived in Hawaii, but I had managed to visit for two weeks. I hadn’t lived in Arizona but I was working there. And I hadn’t finished my Masters in hydrogeology but I had a job title of geologist. I wasn’t fluent in Navajo but I had taken a class with an incredible teacher and he was proud of me.
The following year (2016) I wrote down some intentions again. And as luck would have it, I don’t know where that notebook is. Lost in the abyss of moving and only minimally keeping track of my life am I. I’m sure I’ll find it somewhere in my product warranty folder somewhere…if I can find out what happened to my product warranty folder.
In the meantime, as much as it feels mildly silly to be so ambitious with my desires and as much as it feels like they may sound like bragging to some, I really have no bandwith to care if they do or not.
I still remember that one time my classmates in high school found out I wanted to go to Brown University and interpreted it as, that I got accepted (but I did go to Amherst! Go Mammoths!) The high school guidance counselor tried to talk me down from that dream. “Hijita,” he said, “New Mexico has plenty of good schools and you don’t have to be so far way from home.”
Though hindsight reveals, yes, he was right on all accounts. But he was’t listening to me. And he didn’t want want to see me fail, I guess. Or maybe he was jealous. Or maybe he just didn’t want me to try. I dunno. His tactic didn’t work. I’m still glad that even though I ask for a ton of advice and I garner a million opinions from my closest friends, I always listen to what I need to do. And like rock or mountain climbing, the view from the top may be grand but the satisfaction I find is always in the process. Create your own destiny and have fun along the way. Even if it’s to entice yourself to crawl out of bed to use that new post consumer recycled toothbrush you just bought. Do it.
